It’s the beginning of August and this year has really gone by so quickly. I know the pandemic has slowed us down, but I feel like (in terms of taking time off of school) I’ve run out of time. I told myself I’d only take a year off of school to pursue even higher education. The time has come; applications for graduate school open up in October. I’m nervous. I’m not really sure why. Is it the imposter syndrome creeping up again? Probably. Do I admit it to anyone, including myself? Not really.
The fact of the matter is that I am nervous. When I tell people I want to pursue my mental health counseling career at CSU Fullerton, I say “if I get in.” But they always say, “when,” like it’s obvious. How terrible is it that I feel that it isn’t when I ‘have’ all these accomplishments under my belt that would guarantee me as a ‘shoo-in’ for admissions. “You graduated from USC!” “You studied abroad!” “You have a high GPA!” And, even when I hear and think about these things, it makes sense. These things are true, but there’s still something in my head that tells me I might not get accepted. And then what? Sure, I can try again next year, but it isn’t the plan. Why do I feel the need to stick to a plan in the first place?
I’ve never been away from home — I mean, not completely living on my own. I don’t count abroad because that was only for four months with a guarantee of coming back home. If — I mean when (trying to manifest!) I get into CSUF, I will need to move, find a job, find friends. My life will be in Fullerton for at least three years. And, I know… Fullerton is only an hour drive from where I live. It really isn’t too far. But it still scares me. To the point that I’m sitting here writing this instead of writing that daunting 3,000 word personal essay for them. I mean, Jesus, 3,000 words seems like a little too much, no? The University of San Diego is only requiring 500… but I digress.
The point is, even though I know good change comes this way, I’m scared. Change is always scary, even positive ones. Pero no me voy a dejar por vencida — I won’t give up.
Fullerton is my dream school right now, and I know some people probably think I’m silly for having that as a dream school when I went to USC. But those people are stuck in the ‘brand’ of the school. Don’t get me wrong, I was too, once upon a time. I’m more focused on my match with these schools. I do have to say graduate school and undergrad are different, too. I mean, in undergrad you have an infinite list of classes to choose from. In grad school, you’re limited to the classes that everyone has to take (almost all of them with maybe only four electives). With that, I think you have to be more selective with graduate school options. I think Fullerton has such an amazing program that really speaks to me and my interests. I truly am excited to attend, and really hope to have that opportunity. Here’s to hoping! It won’t get done without that 3,000 words though, so… wish me luck!
